here i am again... maybe my last blog or even last time i would be in any social networking online.. maybe i dont have the courage to open my FB, FS, or even twitter though i dont have lots in connected but it weighs much because she's there.. anyway, just want to drop in my thoughts to somehow relieve this unexplainable feeling i have... its like im stranded in no where, like floating on space with no where to go... people say im just too "emo", yeah! maybe perhaps... but they don't know how would it feels to be like this... a very unexplainable that i myself couldn't describe it at all. don't know the right words, don't really know.. even now as im writing this blog, im shaking and like my strength have all gone.. its like of mixed fear, uncertainty of what lies ahead, and most of all pain.. when in fact, no one is doing it to me, or maybe just after what i had observed or noticed which somehow concludes to something though even its not confirmed yet but then i know it is... coz its been several times, when my intuition has something in it, most of it are right as what i suspected it to be.. but im not blaming anyone for anything, coz i know i have no right to.. i can't stop anyone to choose where they want to be happy, coz as what i always want for everyone to be happy and comfortable, especially her... but the only thing is that, i never knew that it would hurt much... maybe, i thought i could endure all d pain as long as d people important in my life would be happy, but i thought wrong.. and would i be that selfish, even for once in my life just wanted to be happy with?... even just a chance... coz most of the time, all i think are for the people around me to be happy, especially that special someone.. but in that single bit, most people especially her friends already thought that im too selfish for me wishing such thing to happen... yeah, maybe their right, coz i never longed for something like this... never done everything i could for all they know just to make things smooth for her and for them even though i would go on bumpy rides... as what i said, im not blaming anyone, coz i know they're just concerned for the good of their friend, but i, for all they know, would have wanted the same as well and even more... i don't have bad intentions or so, a chance was all i ever wanted though i know would never be given coz i know i sucked in pambobola, my jokes were not in lined with their humor in short im just not same with their inclinations.. but i always placed in mind that, opposite attracts and the more differences u have, the more u have something to share with each other... and yeah i adore them coz when their together its like things are always fun and they always laugh and i do like seeing her with such laughter and those stunning smiles... and everytime i saw those smiles i would think "damn, she's just too much for me, i know she's too beautiful for a guy like me, and could hardly notice me when there are much better guys out there.. but ei, they have one thing the other guys don't have, im the best companion someone could ever have"... a thought that i always placed in to myself, an optimist am i..hehe.. its this thing that makes it hard for me, coz at first she was not really someone of my type, though i admit she's beautiful, but that's not it... she just has something i could not explain what but make me fell for her... it took me time to know it, shall i say, the thing that i thought was just nothing turned into something more than i expected, more than i wanted and more than i needed... it was the time when she just done nothing but then meant so much... something that were just ordinary but for me turned that much special... maybe in the way she talks, which tickles my ears and hypothalamus.. the way she smells even though a rough and tiring day pass by.. she has just that special effect that if only people would see and know, they can't blame me why i would do just anything for her... maybe, i just love her more than anyone and anything in this world... maybe, im just too selfish of me, wishing her to be my lifetime companion coz i know the feeling is not mutual... i would always thought "Sana parang subject sa SCHOOL nalang ako!!Kahit di mo ako gusto, mapipilitan ka pa din na pagAralan akong mahalin.." but of course that is just a thought... maybe im just watching much of television and yearning for it to happen in real life that someone would learn to love someone eventually those who love them... frankly my thoughts are staggered now.. i just wrote whatever comes to my mind.. i know no one would read this blog so i dont care what i wrote, but i just wrote the thing i feel and think.. anyway, going back... i know she just wanted for us to be friends... before, i do too.. but i just can't help myself to fall for her.. everytime.. i did tried to get a hold of myself, and even tried to avoid things coz i know it will lead to nothing but i just cant... i cant help myself, i really do love her, that i can do anything for her but of course no bad intentions or anything.. thats why, a chance was all i been waiting for, though i don't know when or how, but i was always hoping for such... now i know she has someone in her life, and it beats me down to know something like that.. but there is always these things that somehow God tells me on not giving up on her maybe thats why my hope were not that completely gone coz even before a lot of things happen, but He always gives me reason to hope for something or maybe im just misinterpreting those... maybe for now, its better for me to save myself, but im still not losing hope... maybe someday would come, if ever it would be then it would be my luckiest day.... but if not, then maybe, i just misunderstand those messages of Him above.. maybe i can't be her at her side for now, coz it breaks me apart but i hope she knows that anytime, im still here for her and if ever time would come that she feels alone and has problems, i hope she does know she could always run to me.. coz maybe as long as she's not married..i'l be here for her, until such time,. coz i hope someday tides would come my way.. until then..
